It was nearly a year ago when I wrote in my journal of my frustration and dissatisfaction with the normality of life. Those things which once brought me enjoyment only left me empty and unfulfilled. Movies, jokes, games, sports, even winning competitions – nothing could shake the hollow feeling inside. Everyone around me seemed to be having fun, but when they could go no deeper than sarcasm and mockery, my heart cried out for something more. At the time, what I thought I wanted was someone to ask me how I was really doing – a person who loved me enough to ask.
Several months later, I got my wish. I was blessed with a godly young man who probed deeper into my thoughts and feelings than even I wanted to go. I was happy. I was content. I was not satisfied. The emptiness was still there. Deep inside of me, my heart still cried out for something more. Disgusted, I tried to squash the nagging voice inside; I was happy and couldn’t ask for more. How grateful I am that God chooses not to listen to us when we try to counsel Him, and answers even our unrealized prayers. For God could ask for more. And He did.
God took the relationship I was clinging to away, and in so doing He broke my heart. He brought me to the place where He needed me to be. There are two truths about God that I was not able to forget: He is always in control, and He is always good. I tried to believe it, though it seemed impossible. Yet I had forgotten a third truth about God: He is a jealous God.
With that realization came the ability to thank God for the ever-lingering feeling of dissatisfaction. I was created with a need for God, and the more time spent in His presence, the greater my need for Him becomes. Though I attempted to fill that void with everything else, even good things, the thirsting of my soul could not be quenched. Idolatry is an evil beast, a sin which is camouflaged well. I thank the Lord that He stripped my life of even the greatest of temporal pleasures that I might see my sin clearly, repent, and be filled completely with the only One who can truly satisfy.
“How excellent is Thy lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Thy wings. They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of Thy house; and Thou shalt make them drink of the river of Thy pleasures. For with Thee is the fountain of life; in Thy light shall we see life.” (Psalm 36:7-9)