I’ve been exhausted the past few weeks, despite going to bed early and getting up later than usual. Apparently, my ability to sleep from 2-5 and go all Energizer Bunny for the other 21 hours of the day is failing. Maybe its the end of the school year. Maybe I’m just getting old. =D
Anyways, I’ve been thinking on a number of things that aren’t fully articulated yet, and maybe never will be…
Welcome to the ramblings of a weary mind.
I ran this morning.
The music pounds in my ears. Amini tugs on the leash. Bajajis veer past. Children scamper to school. Horns honk. Bicycles roll down the street. The chaos is overwhelming.
But its alive.
I went diving last night. Or tried to.
Still, the sea water splashes my face. The stars sparkle overhead. City lights glare like Christmas ornaments on the coast. Boats slip by in the darkness. Waves threaten to overturn our small craft. The salt stings my eyes.
I know I am alive.
The sense of being alive is intoxicating.
What does it mean to “belong?”
Growing up, I thought it was just me.
It started when I spent every summer in Pennsylvania working at Miracle Mountain Ranch. I “belonged” at summer camp. It didn’t matter if I didn’t know anyone. Making friends at camp was easy.
Going home was different. Friends changed over the summer, and because I had been gone, I was the “odd one out.”
Eventually, it became normal.
I looked forward to going back to the Ranch every summer because it was where I reunited with old friends and made new, short-term friends year after year. But it changed me.
After attending the two-year School of Discipleship, it took me over three years to feel like Fort Wayne, Indiana was actually home. And then I moved to Tanzania.
Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to feel like I “belong” here. Going home to visit this summer scares me, because what if home isn’t “home” anymore?
In the introduction to Bird by Bird by Ann Lamott, she writes, “All I wanted was to belong, to wear that hat of belonging.” For me (and for many of the TCKs [Third Culture Kids] that I work with), belonging is an elusive concept.
But I wonder if its not just me.
If somewhere, deep down inside, everyone feels like they don’t belong.
And if the only way to really “wear that hat of belonging” is in Christ.