Egal, es wird gut, sowieso


The words threaten to burst from my soul,
Then the page stares back at me hollow and blank.
And no words come.
So many thoughts swirl around my mind
Then the attempts to write leaves a vacuum
And no words come.
I turn the music up, try to drown out the waves of emotion
Pen or laptop, phone or pencil, paper or electron
And no words come.

I know I’ve been quiet these past few months. A post about dreads, a post about camp, and then…nothing. I’ve sat down to write several times, even opened the web browser to start a new post, but always close it again, still empty.

But the lyrics to my new favorite song are of some comfort:
Egal, es wird gut, sowieso.

Or, in English:
No matter, it will be good [in the end] anyway.

The last few months of 2016 were hard. I was more emotionally unstable than I’ve ever been before. I developed and then had to battle an eating disorder. I pushed friends away and turned entirely inwards in an attempt to find some control.

Nothing worked. Not really.

Even my meeting with one of my mentors and counselor in December was, by all accounts, a failure; I couldn’t be honest with myself, how could I be honest with someone else? That isn’t to say he didn’t leave me with questions to provoke future self-examination, but it certainly didn’t bring any immediate relief.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The hope and joy I felt had characterized my life for so long was gone. I only felt empty, confused, and directionless.

Then a friend, maybe one of the only friends I hadn’t pushed away entirely, gave me some advice. After explaining that I felt the monsters in my mind had all escaped their cages and were wreaking havoc all over my insides, he said two things:
Don’t just build the same old cages that didn’t work before. Rebuild new and better.
You don’t have to guarantee you will achieve your plans. But you can make them and take the first step until the path changes.

Egal, es wird gut, sowieso.

At the start of 2017, I chose to claim the word “NEW” as my theme for the year. For one, I couldn’t survive much more of what 2016 dealt out, and the phrase, “I will make all things new” was reverberating through my soul. At the Wallen Baptist Church Christmas Eve service, Pastor John spoke on Psalm 23 and the shepherd that restores souls. In tears, I grabbed that Psalm as my prayer. Amidst my brokenness and darkness, I knew that continuing on in the same way would only take me deeper. I needed (I need) God to restore my soul. Karibu 2017, ni mwaka mpya. Welcome 2017 it’s a new year.

With the hope of my friend’s advice, the refrain of Sowieso (Mark Forster), prayers for a new year, and a renewed soul, I’ve started to slowly but surely rebuild anew, and even tame those crazy beasts in my mind.

And I’m resting in the fact that in the end, it will all be good anyway. Egal, es wird gut, sowieso.

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